This is my story of overcoming perfectionism, and the parts I’m still working on.

I Was Perfect Before I Could Read the Big Words

My mom and my first grade teacher still tell this story, and they laugh hysterically every time they remind me of it. I showed up to first grade and announced, “I’m here to learn how to read the big words. I already know everything else.” In my defense, I was talking about the list of things we were supposed to learn that year, not life. I’m still working on that part. I hope you are reading this, Mom.

It’s a funny story. It was also an early sign of something that stayed with me.

In graduate school, I got a 97% on a final project. My first response was about the 3% I got wrong.

What My Perfectionism Was Protecting

My perfectionism developed because my child mind believed that if I never caused stress, Mom would be okay, and we would all be okay. I believed stress caused her asthma. So if I could control her stress, I could control the outcome. If I wasn’t perfect, Mom would have to go to the hospital and possibly die.

Perfectionism gave me a false sense of control.

When Control Looks Like Perfectionism

I see this with some clients, too. The need to control everything. Things need to be safe and predictable, and that can look like perfectionism. If anything changes, it can be a total shutdown, anger, massive anxiety, or a combination.

In my view, that isn’t a flaw. It’s a nervous system doing its best to keep someone safe.

What I Had to Learn

I don’t have power over life and death. This should have been obvious. Cognitively, I knew it. My nervous system didn’t.

So that is what I worked on. Catching when I fall into that kind of thinking and correcting it. I still have moments when I am hyper-critical and expect more than is reasonable from myself. When that happens, I ask myself how old that anxious part feels, and then I work with that young part.

What It Looks Like When I’m Pushing

When I’m pushing for perfection, I’m probably working to exhaustion. Underneath it is that old belief: if I stop pushing, I will die. If I’m not perfect, Mom will die.

I’m better at catching myself now, before I get a lupus flare. That’s my experience, not a rule for everyone. Bodies are complicated, and flares happen for lots of reasons.

What Perfectionism Cost Me

It cost me a lot of peace. It cost me the ability to relax when I did a good job. It cost me the ability to focus on and celebrate my successes. I can’t even imagine the toll the chronic stress and pushing for better took on my body.

I have gotten to a place where I can celebrate the wins and learn from mistakes, without having to prove to someone else what I learned. I can also take feedback without getting defensive, and being open about my own mistakes has made my connections with people stronger.

If I Let Go, Will I Lose My Edge?

Maybe you’re thinking, “If I let go of perfectionism, I’ll stop caring. I’ll lose my edge.”

That sounds like a protector part showing up. When someone tells me this, I ask when they first felt that way. Then I ask what that part is afraid will happen if they lose their edge or stop caring.

Either Way, I Learn Something

In sessions, I sometimes think a client is headed in a certain direction. I’ve learned to follow their lead and go wherever they go. Often they get to where I was hoping they would, in their own way.

I look at life that way now, as an experiment. We learn from either outcome, and we don’t stop. If I get what I want, I keep tinkering to see if I can get an even better outcome. If it doesn’t go the way I want, I pivot. I’ve learned something, and I keep at it.

This isn’t fear driven. It’s about curiosity. It feels so different to live life from that place.

That’s a long way from the little girl who thought she could control whether her mom was okay.

My passion for my work comes from my own journey. I feel so much more present in my life because it isn’t driven from a place of fear and anxiety. I want that for you, too.

What Helped Me

I’m still working on overcoming perfectionism. This is what has helped me, and it’s my experience, not a prescription.

• Catching it. I notice when I fall into that kind of thinking, and I correct it.
• Asking how old the part feels. When I’m being hyper-critical, I ask myself how old that anxious part feels, and then I work with that young part.
• Celebrating the wins. I let myself, without having to prove to anyone what I learned.
• Taking feedback without getting defensive. Being open about my own mistakes has made my connections stronger.
• Treating it as an experiment. We learn from either outcome, and we don’t stop.
• Having more compassion and love for myself. I don’t expect my friends or loved ones to be perfect. Don’t I deserve the same grace?

If you want one thing to try, ask yourself: would I expect this of my best friend?

Keep Reading

If perfectionism shows up for you as a fear of being seen, I wrote about that.

If the idea of parts is new to you, here’s more about parts work therapy.

And here’s the story of recording my first vlog.

If This Sounds Like You

If you grew up believing that being perfect kept everyone safe, your body was smart to adapt. And what it learned, it can unlearn.

I’d love to talk with you. The first step is a free 15-minute consult.

Talk with me for 15 minutes

I see clients online across California, with in-person intensives in San Diego.

A song for this post: The Sound of Being Safe by Lenzspot.