Recording My First Vlog: Fear, Shame and Being Brave Anyway

Hi, all. I’m a licensed clinical social worker and trauma therapist. I’m also a human named Shay.

You would think that I would have worked through all my shame, doubt, and fear by now. But I am going to share a secret with you. I am still working on it.

I still struggle with being seen on camera, but I can see how far I’ve come from the day that I recorded my first vlog. Here’s what happened that day.

I met up with my good friend Dr. Laila Contractor, an integrative psychiatrist, to record video for our websites. Our goal was to talk about psychedelic-assisted therapy and provide information from both perspectives. We also talked about what to look for in a psychiatrist and a therapist, and who does what.

Man, it was so difficult to be recorded. Laila was totally in her element, and that made it a lot easier… and harder in ways.

What came up for me

My critical self-talk burst out full force. Seeing her ease and how stiff I felt, I was critical of the clothes I brought and of how my body looked in them, and the mantra “not enough” was on loop.

Laila had a stylist to design her look. I criticized myself for not having access to that, and for not even thinking I needed it.

My body hunched in, trying to be smaller, thinner, less there. I noticed it in my shoulders, neck, voice, and a heavy feeling in my gut.

Looking underneath

Afterward, I was sick in bed for days. I’m not sure why. I might have pushed myself too hard for too long, or it may have been the extended stress and the pushing. Either way, it made me stop and look.

I went back to Gabor Maté’s teaching, and how he calls triggers gifts. When I first heard this, my snarky part said, “That is a gift I want to return.” Now I understand that triggers show us where we are still wounded, and give us an opportunity for deeper healing.

The younger part

Then I got curious about where the doubt came from. I was able to figure it out: experiences in my past where I was shunned, told I wasn’t up to the mark, and the self-doubt that followed.

I used Compassionate Inquiry and IFS to find the younger part of me who felt not enough. Back then, being seen meant being misunderstood and shunned. It wasn’t safe. I learned it wasn’t me doing something wrong, and I reminded her of that.

I was able to let her know that “not enough” is not the truth and never was.

Looking back

When I watch those videos, I can see how afraid I am, and how small I’m trying to be. I look back at the woman I was with a lot of compassion and respect. It was hard, and she did it anyway.

I wish I could tell her how proud I am of her bravery, and that I’m so much more confident today. I am still working on being comfortable with having my photo taken. It’s a process, and I am devoted to it, for myself and for you, too.

If this sounds familiar

These inner changes are what drive my passion for my work. I know what it felt like before, and I know how different I feel now.

If putting yourself out there feels unsafe, like it did for me, I wrote more about the fear of being seen and where it can come from. You’re not broken, and you’re not alone. Healing is possible, and small steps count.

I see clients online across California, with in-person intensives in San Diego.

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A song to go with this post: “No Holding You Back” by Lenzspot