Signs of Childhood Trauma in Adults: 7 Symptoms You Might Not Connect to Your Past

Many of my clients tell me they had a “good childhood.” They were loved, grew up in a nice neighborhood, and had everything they needed. So how could they have trauma?

I had the same “good childhood” and a parent with PTSD and another with chronic illness. I felt anxious all the time and didn’t have anyone I could talk to about it. As an adult I had separation anxiety and panic attacks.

Some of what we carry was handed down to us without anyone meaning to. You can read more in Generational Trauma: How Culture Shapes Safety in Families.

If you find yourself triggered by things that “shouldn’t bother you,” it might be the result of childhood trauma.

Trauma Isn’t Just a Car Wreck

Trauma isn’t just something like a car wreck or living through a natural disaster. Trauma is when it is too much too soon, or too little for too long, without a safe other.

It might look like a parent losing a job, getting sick and having to get a lot of medical procedures done, or a parent taking care of a sick family member and not having anything left to give to you. It can also be a child with an undiagnosed learning challenge who struggles at school and has no one who understands why. That child often decides, “something is wrong with me,” “I’m not smart enough,” or “I’m just lazy.” They weren’t any of those things. They needed support and didn’t get it. The love can be real. The need can still go unmet. If no one noticed your needs for years, you may have learned to stop asking. You can read more in Adult Anxiety and Childhood Neglect.

Your Body Was Smart to Adapt

Depending on the type of trauma, it can show up in the body in different ways. Our bodies tried to protect us, developed ways to feel safer, and were smart to adapt. Those adaptations show up in adulthood as the signs below.

7 Signs of Childhood Trauma in Adults

1. Your body is always bracing, or you can’t feel it at all

Headaches, stomach trouble, constant body bracing, a clenched jaw, teeth grinding. Or the opposite: you can’t tell when you’re hungry, tired or tense, because your body went quiet. For me it was chronic stress that I believe led to lots of inflammation.

2. You’re triggered by things that “shouldn’t bother you”

For example, someone gets your coffee order wrong and you get overly angry. Underneath, the belief and pain might be “no one ever really listens to me” or “I never get what I want.”

3. You try to control every variable

Many of my clients don’t feel safe or trust themselves, so they try to guarantee the outcome. You over-plan, and you melt down if anything in the plan changes. The plan isn’t really about the plan. It’s about feeling safe.

4. You demand perfection and can’t rest

You demand perfection of yourself and feel anxious if the result isn’t perfect. You may have learned that to be loved you have to earn it, not consciously, but with the ways you were treated. So not being perfect doesn’t feel safe. You may not understand why you can’t rest or stop until it meets that standard.

5. You take care of others even when it costs you

You take care of others even when it costs you taking care of yourself. Or you find yourself unable to say no even when you want to. This is often fawning, a survival response and not a character flaw. You can read more in How to Stop Fawning.

6. You numb out

Sometimes the only way to survive is to numb out. That might look like scrolling mindlessly on the phone and losing track of time. It might also look like something close to daydreaming, where you fade out so you don’t have to feel.

7. Closeness feels risky

Your early relationships shaped how safe closeness feels now:

• Secure: you’re comfortable with closeness and independence.
• Anxious: you worry people will leave.
• Avoidant: you rely on yourself and keep people at a distance.
• Disorganized: you want closeness and fear it at the same time.

None of these are flaws. They’re what a nervous system learned to do. You can read more on my attachment trauma page.

This Isn’t Freud’s Psychotherapy

This isn’t Freud’s psychotherapy. I’m not going to ask you to spend all your time retelling your story, because you might not even remember it.

I also understand that sometimes closing your eyes or doing deep breathing can be a trigger or not feel safe. There is no “right” way to regulate other than what your individual body needs in this moment. We work with what shows up in your nervous system and pivot when needed.

How I Work

At our intake we talk about which approaches make sense to start with. My main approaches are Somatic Experiencing, Brainspotting and Compassionate Inquiry. The work goes at a pace that feels safe to your nervous system. We can do uncomfortable, but never unmanageable. You set the pace. I work with adults in San Diego and by telehealth across California.

Healing Is Possible

Healing is about finding the parts of you that don’t know you survived and it’s over, and reconnecting with them, showing them you are safe now. You were smart with your adaptations to survive. Now those adaptations don’t serve you. I can help you update the programming so you can live a life that’s less driven by fear.

Healing is possible.

Ready to talk? Book a free 15-minute consultation. Not sure yet? Take the Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn Quiz to see how your body learned to protect you.

Can I Have Childhood Trauma If I Had a Good Childhood?

Yes. Trauma isn’t about whether you were loved. It’s when it was too much too soon, or too little for too long, without a safe other. A parent can love you and still not have had anything left to give.