How I Can Help
Fear of Being Seen: Why Putting Yourself Out There Feels So Unsafe
If I put myself out there, will I be rejected?
If I say the wrong thing, will I lose relationships?
If I am myself and allow myself to be vulnerable, will I get hurt… again?
If I am successful, will I be bullied?
Will I be able to do it again?
If I do a vlog, will people be cruel about my looks or what I’m saying?
Does this sound like the voice in your head? The fear of being seen, and the self-doubt that keeps you small and has you wishing you were invisible?
What the Fear of Being Seen Looks Like
It looks like playing small. It’s saying no to the invitation, the promotion or the spotlight when yes might bring something truly wonderful. It’s avoiding leadership roles, public speaking, or even presenting an idea in a staff meeting. You might dress to avoid notice, withdraw from social situations, and downplay your accomplishments. In your body, there might be cringing, shrinking, or a fear response when the attention turns toward you.
My Own Fear of Being Seen
I was afraid to be seen.
At work, I asked my supervisor not to recognize me in front of my peers. I was afraid of what that would cost me relationally, so I never got to really celebrate my wins. I would walk away from staff meetings feeling my body trying to be small, head down, with negative self-talk like: “Why did you even try? You know they don’t really want your thoughts.” I just wanted to be anywhere but there.
Doing a vlog with my friend Dr. Laila Contractor, I felt it all over as we faced the camera. I was stiff and so uncomfortable. I was comparing myself to her and felt like I was falling short in every domain. That wasn’t the truth. It was how I felt about myself. There was a lot of fear and shame: shame about how I look, and fear I was going to mess it up.
Watching it now, I have so much love and compassion for that version of myself. I see how small I was trying to be, and also how brave I was to try despite the fear and shame. I see the passion I have for my work driving me on. You can read more about that first vlog.
Through trauma therapy, I discovered the roots of my fears: beliefs that I was too much, not wanted, or not good enough. Once I understood those, I could challenge their truth. I am still a work in progress.
Some time ago, I slipped into old patterns during a triggering interaction with a colleague. Instead of falling into despair, shame, or self-hatred, I noticed the trigger and the opportunity for growth. I worked with my wounded part and reassured myself that it is ok to be seen. I celebrated that there was less negative self-talk and more of the ability to see the truth.
Why Being Seen Can Feel So Risky
The fear of being seen can come from being stalked, abused, or bullied, so you never feel safe and being seen feels risky. Some people got the message in childhood that they aren’t good enough, and being seen will let everyone know how they fall short. Some people struggled with learning differences, and being seen feels like they’re going to get it wrong or take too long. There are so many different reasons this can be a challenge. Yours may not be on this list, and it still counts.
Where I Believe It Comes From
My belief is that there are attachment issues under the fear of being seen. I believe it goes back to not being seen, not having your needs met (needs like being comforted, listened to and celebrated), and so not getting the message that you are enough just as you are. Parents don’t intentionally send that message to their children, but we receive it from the behaviors of others. We can also pick up the message that we aren’t wanted from the larger culture, peers, media, discrimination… Numerous factors can affect how we see ourselves and our value. Your body was smart to adapt. You can read more about relational and attachment trauma therapy.
When Being Successful Feels Scary Too
For some people, being successful means that even more is expected of you. Maybe you will be a one-hit wonder and unable to continue to grow or produce. It comes from a similar place of self-doubt, and it might also feel more about performance. Success also makes you more visible, and visibility may have cost you before. I know this one too. It’s why I asked my supervisor not to recognize me. If success is where this shows up most for you, read how childhood trauma triggers the fear of success.
How We Work With It Together
I know your reason may be different from mine. Together, we look at your fear of being seen from a parts lens and with Compassionate Inquiry, and we work with what shows up in your body using Somatic Experiencing. In session, we ask: What is this protective part afraid will happen if you are seen? When did you first learn that being seen didn’t feel safe? We can also use Brainspotting with the part of you that is afraid to be seen. You don’t have to retell every detail, and we go at the pace your body allows.
A Gentle Place to Start
Can you remember a time it felt risky to be seen? A small one is enough. Just notice what happens in your body as you remember it. As you read this, were you seeing yourself in my words?
Go slowly, and if it feels like too much, press your feet into the ground and take a slow look around to remind yourself where you are now. There is no pressure for results. This is just a gentle noticing.
What Changed for Me
After I worked on my fear of being seen, I felt more confident to say yes to opportunities I would have turned down before. I have spoken up, and even given my thoughts to National Geographic, The Flow Space, Parade, Yahoo!Life and HuffPost. I wouldn’t have felt confident enough to do that. I find that I limit myself less. I am not trying to be small and invisible now. I am still healing the shame I carried and learning to let that fear go. Your path will be its own.
Common Questions
Is the fear of being seen a trauma response?
It can be. The fear of being seen can develop because of attachment trauma, discrimination, physical or sexual abuse, cultural factors, or poverty. It can also come from being bullied, being shamed or laughed at in front of others, being punished for speaking up, growing up with a parent who was ill, overworked or emotionally unavailable, early separation from a caregiver, or always being the one who was different. Speech or learning differences can play a part too, especially when you were teased or made to feel slow. It might also be a phobia of speaking in front of people, or the result of being stalked, and that makes sense, too. Whatever the reason, the fear was trying to protect you, and it isn’t a flaw in you.
Is the fear of being seen the same as social anxiety?
They overlap, and some people have both, but they aren’t quite the same. Social anxiety is usually fear in social situations, like being around other people and worrying you’ll be judged or embarrass yourself. The fear of being seen can go further. It can be not wanting your picture taken, feeling uncomfortable around anyone, or fearing being judged even by people you know well, like colleagues or family. It can also show up when the attention is good, like being praised or celebrated, because being noticed at all can feel unsafe. Often what’s underneath is what being seen cost you before. If you can’t tell which one fits you, that’s a good thing to sort out together.
What can help with the fear of being seen?
Working with the part of you that holds the fear can help. That part usually learned to keep you hidden in order to keep you safe. Knowing when this fear developed is one piece. The other is understanding what that protective part believes will happen if you are seen. Once we know, we gently work with your parts and your past. You don’t have to retell every detail, and we go at the pace your body allows. Working with your body, including with Somatic Experiencing and Brainspotting, can help too. You can start with the gentle noticing above. You don’t have to do this alone.
You Matter
Trauma sucks, but trauma therapy doesn’t have to. You deserve to be seen without fear or shame.
I would like to help you find out that it is ok to let go of the fear of being seen. To know that it’s ok to take up space and have a voice, and that you are lovable just as you are. You matter.
Free 15-minute video call first. I see clients online across California, with in-person intensives in San Diego.
Not in California? The free ACEs quiz is a place to start.
A song that goes with this page: “Give Yourself Permission” by Lenzspot on Spotify.