Is It Kindness, or Is It Fawning?

Kindness vs fawning: from the outside, they can look exactly the same. Here’s how I learned to tell them apart.

Why I’m writing this

Recently I was supposed to be at a conference. I was excited. I’d spent the extra money to attend in person, but my body needed rest. I decided to take care of myself, not care about what others would think, and so I watched the talks from home.

As I told my friend that I wouldn’t be able to meet them for lunch that day at the conference I noticed my body relaxed right away. Instead of feeling dread about pushing myself, I felt grounded and solid about my decision.

I haven’t always done this. I used to push through. I’d think about the money I’d spent, feel guilty, get anxious, and start doubting myself. Once I spent an entire day dreading sending a message to a friend, just to say my body wasn’t up for our plans. To my utter amazement, nothing horrible happened, we picked a different date and were able to remain friends!

It took me a long time to see it

I was an old person before I realized that I’d been living my whole life fawning. I thought I was helpful, smart, the go-to person who could figure out the problem. I liked those roles, but also felt like I gave everything to others but got little in return. The one-way relationships felt so empty. It was Gabor Maté’s work that showed me the difference between being kind and fawning. My behavior was coming from insecurity and anxiety, and that hit hard. I had to ask myself who I really was, and why I was doing all this.

The one-second test

Here’s a quick test I use now. When someone asks for something, I notice what happens in my body before I answer. If there is excitement or calm then this is probably kindness. A sinking feeling, a tight chest, and a yes out of my mouth before I’ve decided anything might be fawning.

Same smile. Very different inside.

What fawning actually is

Fawning is the fourth trauma response, alongside fight, flight and freeze. It’s the body’s way of staying safe by keeping other people happy. Psychotherapist Pete Walker writes about the four trauma responses in depth.

I think fawning is about the unconscious programming we got about who we had to be in order to be loved.

For a lot of us, it started early, in homes where reading the room wasn’t optional. Being agreeable, helpful and easy kept things calm. If they were okay, you were okay.

That was smart. A kid does what works. The catch is that the strategy doesn’t come with an off switch, so it follows you into friendships, relationships and work. (If you’re ready for steps, here’s how to stop fawning.)

Kindness vs fawning: how they feel from the inside

Kindness is a choice. Fawning is a reflex. Here’s how they tend to feel from the inside.

Kindness

• You choose it.
• You can say no and still feel okay.
• You give from what you have to spare.
• You feel settled afterward.

Fawning

• It chooses you.
• Saying no feels dangerous, even when it isn’t.
• You give from empty, then feel drained or quietly resentful.
• You stay on edge until the other person is okay.

Why it’s so easy to miss

Fawning gets rewarded. You’re the reliable one, the easy one, the team player. Nobody complains when you say yes.

A few signs, in plain words:

• Saying yes before you’ve checked whether you want to
• Apologizing when someone else bumps into you
• Knowing everyone’s mood in the room before you know your own
• Feeling guilty when you rest
• Losing yourself in relationships

Any one of these can also just be a Tuesday. What’s worth noticing is the pattern, and the feeling that you didn’t really have a choice.

Your body was smart to adapt

Fawning isn’t a character flaw. It’s a protection your body learned early, for good reasons.

Your body was smart to adapt. And what it learned, it can unlearn. If you’d like support with that, it’s a core part of the relational and attachment trauma therapy I offer in San Diego. Because fawning lives in the body as much as the mind, I also work with it through Biology of Trauma therapy.

I wish someone had told me that I don’t control life and death by being as good as humanly possible or by taking on everyone else’s work. I wish I’d known everything was going to be okay, and that I could be a human being, not a human doing. I didn’t know that I was fawning but I certainly was aware of the fatigue, burnout, and inauthentic feeling relationships. I wish I had known what I know now decades ago.

So I am writing this for those of you who this feels familiar to. Life can be different, more satisfying, and with more room for you in it.

You don’t have to change anything today. A gentle place to start is noticing. The next time someone asks you for something, see if you can catch what happens in your body before you answer. A jolt? A tight chest? A calm “sure”? Just notice. That’s all it needs to be for now.

Frequently asked questions

Is fawning the same as people-pleasing?

They overlap. People-pleasing describes what you do, like saying yes, smoothing things over, and putting others first. Fawning describes why it can happen: a nervous system that learned keeping other people happy was the safest option. Not everyone who people-pleases has a trauma history, but if it feels automatic and saying no feels unsafe, fawning is worth exploring.

How do I know if I’m being kind or fawning?

Notice your body before you answer. Calm or excitement usually points to kindness. A sinking feeling, a tight chest, or a yes out of your mouth before you’ve decided anything might be fawning. Afterward, kindness tends to leave you settled, while fawning leaves you drained or quietly resentful.

Can you stop fawning?

Fawning is a learned pattern, and learned patterns can change. It usually starts with noticing, then small experiments with saying no. A trauma-informed therapist can support you with that. For a step-by-step path, see how to stop fawning.

Curious which one is running the show?

I made a free quiz to help you notice your own patterns: take the free Fawn quiz. If you’re also wondering how fight, flight, freeze and fawn show up for you, the four-response quiz is a good companion.

A course on recovering from the fawn response is coming in January. Join the waitlist through the quiz page to hear first.

This is general education, not a diagnosis or therapy. If you’re in crisis, call or text 988.

Shay DuBois, LCSW (California)