Navigating the Impact of Trauma on Codependency:

Understanding and Overcoming Relationship Patterns

Relationships are complex, and our behavior in relationships has a direct connection to our well-being.

Today, I want to focus on behavior patterns that link to codependency commonly seen in people who experience trauma. If you find yourself relying heavily on someone else for validation, self-worth, or to give you a sense of control, you may be codependent. This isn’t just a passing phase; it’s a deep-rooted relationship dynamic that can stem from past trauma, affecting how you perceive and engage with those around you.

Am I Co-Dependent?

Does your happiness depend on your partner’s approval?

When your partner has a rough day, do you find yourself feeling as though your world crumbles alongside theirs? You might find yourself trying to make their day better, not just because you care about them, but because you struggle to tolerate their emotional discomfort, and fixing it, even at the cost of something that makes you a little uncomfortable, is worth it. So, you indulge them in meeting their needs, allowing them to be happy, and thereby you can experience relief from negative emotions and find happiness yourself. This connection can be a stronghold, rooted in trauma. You might feel that if you can make them happy, you’ll finally feel secure. The problem is that when we do this, we compromise our identity, which leads to a further spiral of “who am I” because you lose a bit of who you want to be, always giving in to what the other person needs.    

Now, think about the times you’ve struggled to say “no.”

How many of those moments have left you doing things you didn’t want to do, to keep the peace? You may have experienced situations where conflict felt scarier than compliance. This fear can come from a history of trauma, where saying “no” led to rejection or confrontation. As a result, you may prioritize others’ needs to the detriment of your own.

In moments of conflict or discomfort, do you find yourself minimizing your feelings?

Many people who have experienced trauma have been conditioned to overlook their needs. They believe that maintaining harmony in their relationship is the only way to continue feeling loved. This pattern often arises from trauma, where expressing emotions could have led to negative consequences in the past. Keeping emotions suppressed feels safer, but it can erode your sense of self.

Do you ever find yourself covering for your partner?

It could be going to a family dinner and telling your family your partner is sick because he is too high or hungover to show up. You may find yourself creating stories of wonderful things your partner does, so that people are not tipped off that there are difficulties at home. You might have convinced yourself that doing so is helping them, but it can perpetuate unhealthy patterns. If you’ve faced trauma, the instinct to caretake may stem from a desire to control the environment around you, to stabilize what feels chaotic or potentially threatening.  

Are you afraid of being abandoned?

When you go through trauma, especially as a young child, it is essential to acknowledge that this can often lead to a fear of abandonment. The thought of being alone may feel unbearable, pushing you to cling to relationships, even those that are unhealthy. Oftentimes, when people look back, they realize that they have been unhappy for years. Still, their fear of being alone was greater than their unhappiness in their relationships. This fear can be deeply rooted in past experiences where abandonment left scars, leading you to accept behaviors that compromise your dignity to avoid loneliness.

To have a genuine connection with your partner, you must be willing and capable of being vulnerable. When you have experienced trauma, this becomes very difficult. You crave closeness and connection, but your dependence on validation can create a barrier to true intimacy. Past traumas that taught you to guard your heart fiercely.

Understanding these characteristics of codependency is the first step towards breaking free from codependency.

Your past experiences don’t have to dictate your current or future relationships. Speaking with a trauma therapist at Southern Pine Counseling can help you recognize these patterns. When you do trauma therapy at Southern Pine Counseling, Alyssia teaches women like you to set healthier boundaries, a crucial step in taking control of your relationships in a healthy way. Alyssia, the trauma therapist at Southern Pine Counseling, encourages you to acknowledge your emotions and cultivate deeper, more fulfilling connections. Remember, your worth is inherent and independent of others, and a Southern Pine Counseling trauma therapist can help you, the strong woman that you are, reclaim it.

Along with trauma therapy, I highly recommend the book “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie, which can provide a deeper understanding of codependency. It dives into the concept of codependency, which is when you find yourself losing your identity in the needs and problems of others. Beattie’s insights will help you recognize those codependent behaviors in yourself. They can help you understand where these patterns come from. 

About the Guest Author

Alyssia Anderson

Licensed in Texas

Owner of Southern Pine Counseling and Licensed Clinical Social Worker.

Phone: 713-548-3367

Email: southernpinecounseling@gmail.com

Meet Alyssia, a compassionate  therapist who earned her Master’s degree from The Catholic University of America in 2014. She has dedicated her career to helping people overcome anxiety, stress and trauma.  As a mother of two children, Alyssia knows the importance of finding balance and joy in life. She enjoys activities like bike riding, traveling, and cooking. Alyssia’s clients have been transformed from being run down and stressed out, to confident and genuinely happy under her care. If you’re looking for a caring and compassionate therapist who will work tirelessly to help you improve your life, look no further than Alyssia.

Alyssia works with:

• Anxiety/ Stress related disorders

• Life Changes

• Trauma Recovery & PTSD Therapy

Alyssia is trained in the following therapy modalities:

• EMDR, CBT, DBT, EFT, Gottman, ERP Therapist

Licensed Clinical Social Worker #62654

Alyssia can be reached at southernpinecounseling@gmail.com and 713-548-3367.

If you are in CA and this sounds like you reach out to Shay.

Shay works with individuals who are co-dependent or have the fawn trauma response.  

Sign up for the waitlist for Shay’s digital course all about the Fawn Trauma Response by emailing Shay@overcomeanxietytrauma.com or sign up here and get a free People-Pleaser Workbook!