5 Signs You Are a People Pleaser and How Trauma Might Be Behind It

Maybe you have been told you are a People Pleaser but how do you know, and how do you stop?  

You say yes when you mean no. You overextend yourself to avoid conflict. You feel an almost compulsive need to be liked. Sound familiar? If so, you might be a people pleaser. But here’s the thing—this isn’t just a “personality trait” or a cute quirk. It’s often a deeply ingrained survival response, rooted in trauma.

People-pleasing is frequently tied to the fawn response, a lesser-known trauma response alongside fight, flight, and freeze. Instead of fighting back or running away, fawn types seek safety through appeasement—making themselves small, agreeable, and hyper-attuned to others’ needs at the expense of their own.

But where does this come from, and how can you start to break free? Let’s explore the signs, the science, and the healing.

1. You Apologize—A Lot

Ever find yourself saying “I’m sorry” for things that aren’t remotely your fault? Someone bumps into you, and you apologize. A coworker misses a deadline, and somehow you feel responsible. Chronic over-apologizing is a telltale sign of a fawn response.

According to Dr. Gabor Maté, a leading expert in trauma and addiction, “Trauma is not what happens to you, but what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.” If you grew up in an environment where love or approval was conditional—where keeping the peace meant staying emotionally safe—your nervous system likely adapted by prioritizing other people’s comfort over your own.

The Science Behind It

Studies show that childhood emotional neglect can lead to heightened shame sensitivity, making people more prone to over-apologizing. A 2019 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that individuals with a history of childhood emotional neglect were more likely to over-apologize, even in neutral situations.

2. You Feel Responsible for Other People’s Feelings

You can’t control how someone else feels, but try telling that to a people pleaser. If a friend is upset, you immediately wonder what you did wrong. If a coworker is stressed, you feel the need to fix it.

Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, explains that trauma survivors often become hypervigilant to the emotions of those around them. This heightened awareness isn’t kindness—it’s a survival strategy developed in environments where the slightest shift in someone’s mood could mean danger.

The Science Behind It

Research on adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) suggests that individuals with higher ACE scores are more likely to develop hypervigilance and over-functioning in relationships. A 2021 study from the Journal of Traumatic Stressfound that those with high ACE scores often struggle with emotional boundaries and take on a caregiving role as a means of feeling safe.

3. You Struggle to Say No (Even When You Desperately Want To)

Your schedule is overflowing, your energy is drained, and yet—you still agree to bake cookies for the school fundraiser, cover a coworker’s shift, or listen to a friend vent for hours.

This struggle often stems from a deep-seated fear of rejection or abandonment, a hallmark of relational trauma. According to Dr. Peter Levine, founder of Somatic Experiencing, “Trauma is not in the event itself, but in the nervous system.” If your body associates saying no with losing connection or facing conflict, it will push you to keep saying yes—no matter how much you resent it.

The Science Behind It

Neuroscientific research shows that chronic people-pleasing activates the same stress pathways as physical danger. When people who struggle with boundaries try to say no, their amygdala (the brain’s fear center) fires up, triggering a stress response. In other words, it’s not just emotional discomfort—it’s a biological reaction.

4. You Feel Anxious When Someone Is Upset with You

One mildly irritated text from a friend, and suddenly your brain spirals: Are they mad at me? What did I do wrong? Should I send a follow-up message?

People pleasers often experience rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD), an intense emotional response to perceived disapproval. If you grew up in a household where anger was unpredictable or explosive, your nervous system likely learned that conflict = danger. Now, even minor tension can send your body into fight-or-flight mode.

The Science Behind It

Brain imaging studies show that rejection activates the same neural pathways as physical pain. A 2011 study from the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that social rejection triggers activity in the anterior cingulate cortex, the same region activated by physical injury.

5. You Prioritize Others’ Needs Over Your Own (At Your Own Expense)

It’s not just that you don’t just put others first—you put yourself last. You cancel personal plans to accommodate someone else. It is more important not to “rock the boat” than to honor  your own desires.  You’re exhausted, but you keep pushing through because taking a break feels selfish.

This is classic fawn trauma response behavior. Your brain and body learned that your worth is tied to how useful, agreeable, and self-sacrificing you are. Breaking free from this pattern isn’t just about setting boundaries—it’s about rewiring your nervous system to believe that you are enough, even when you’re not overgiving.

How Trauma Therapy Can Help You Stop Being a People Pleaser

Healing from people-pleasing isn’t just about learning to say no—it’s about regulating your nervous system, so saying no doesn’t feel like a life-or-death decision. That’s where somatic therapy comes in.

Unlike traditional talk therapy, somatic approaches like Somatic Experiencing®, EMDR, Brainspotting, and Compassionate Inquiry® work with the body to release stored trauma and rewire survival patterns.

Here’s how these approaches can help:

• Somatic Experiencing® (SE) – Helps you renegotiate trauma stored in the body so your nervous system stops seeing boundaries as threats.
• Brainspotting – Uses eye positioning to access and process subconscious emotional wounds.
• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) – Rewires trauma-related beliefs and responses through bilateral stimulation.
• Compassionate Inquiry® – Developed by Dr. Gabor Maté, this approach helps uncover and process unconscious trauma-based patterns.

As Bessel van der Kolk says, “The body keeps the score, but it also holds the key to healing.”

You Don’t Have to Keep Living As a People Pleaser

If you see yourself in this list, you’re not broken—you’re surviving. But you don’t have to keep sacrificing yourself to keep others comfortable. Healing is possible.

If you’re ready to:

Set boundaries without guilt
Stop feeling responsible for everyone else’s emotions
Heal the trauma behind your people-pleasing

…then it’s time to work with a licensed somatic trauma therapist who gets it.

💡 Book a free 15-minute consultation with Shay, a licensed trauma therapist in San Diego, to see if we’re a good fit. Email Shay@overcomeanxietytrauma.com today.